The question came up over the weekend in the talk about marriage/relationships in regards to the word “submission.” The Bible uses that word several times in relation to the wife’s posture before her husband (Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1), yet it can be difficult to define what that looks like.
Within our culture, submission is a bad word. We are raised to think that we should “be our own man (or woman, as the case may be).” I have heard people say before, “When someone told me I could not do it, that gave me all the more motivation to do it.” While that attitude works for accomplishing the impossible, it does not translate well into submission within marriage. How do we learn the aspect of submission when we live in a culture that tells us that is the one thing you should not do?
To compound the problem, many women are in marriages where the husband is not very loving towards his wife. Maybe he is abusive – physically or verbally – or maybe he is not very strong spiritually. Maybe he has some deep spiritual struggles or even does not believe at all. Every woman has a husband who makes wrong decisions, is not as spiritually strong as he should be, and does not lead as good as he could. So what does submission mean then?
On top of all of this, does submission simply mean doing what the husband wants done or can a wife express displeasure? Should a husband give in to his wife at times? How often should a wife yield to her husband’s will? Should she do this even if she disagrees with her husband’s decision? These are all tough questions that probably are answered differently in every marriage.
Certainly a husband is to love his wife sacrificially (or as Dr. Milholland said, “die for her”). That means he should not get his way all the time either – after all, Jesus did not get “his way” (according to Lk. 22:42; Heb. 5:8), when he went to the cross. Yet repeatedly, Paul asked the wives to submit voluntarily toward their husbands.
So what does this look like in the 21st century? I would love to hear from different sisters about how they understand the command of submission and to hear how you have made this “work” within your marriage.
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6 years ago
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I'm not a sister, but here are some thoughts:
ReplyDeleteIn order to make relationships work everyone knows that you must be able to sacrifice. Sacrifice and submission go hand in hand. There are many marriages out there, especially in the church, where a man will take advantage of a submissive attitude of his wife. The most important thing to be taken from this is that a woman should submit to allow her husband to perform his role in the church. In which case, men need to step up to the plate.
I grew up knowing my mother was a submissive wife. This came full-throttle toward me when I was born. They couldn't agree on a name for me. Dad HAD to have me named ____ (blank) - after a cute brunette on a popular TV show at the time. Mom wanted me named Amber Joy. For days in the hospital she wrote both names out on paper, over and over again. Finally, she gave in... err... Submitted to my dad.
ReplyDeleteFor a year I was named _____ (blank). But it was not a cute name, and I was NOT a cute baby. She couldn't take it anymore and marched me down to the courthouse to have my name officially changed to Amber Joy Carroll. And I thank her for it!
It's a funny story, but I think it demonstrates submission to the extreme. She knew in her heart it was not the right name for me, but she fully trusted in and submitted to my father. I don't know where to draw the line, but marriage is full of compromises. Some, I think, believe "submission" to be a compromise where the wife compromises to the husband's wish.
I'M a little... ummm... bolder than my mother. Yet I still look to Kent to make the final decisions on BIG things. I believe Kent wants what is absolutely BEST for all of us, and I know he will seek the right thing through MUCH thought and prayer.
That's how we roll in OUR house; I'm anxious to hear from the others.
In our marriage there is one thing that we are completely in agreement on...that's the service of the Lord and his people. We both stand out of the way of each others service to the Lord. There is no question that we will do His work when we have given our word. Standing I each others way is out of the question. On other issues we do our best to talk it out and both agree or I leave to my husband for the final decision. I know he wants the best for me and our family, and I know he will allow Holy Spirit to guide him.
ReplyDelete"...you will long for your husband and he will rule over you." Gen.3:16 In the beginning the woman was made for the man, and it was a very good relationship. The problem is that both the man and the woman sinned. Therefore, they had consequences that we are all now suffering. Satan muddies the waters even more through men and women who misrepresent the word submission. For example: confusing "submission" with "oppression"... a man using the word submission to force a woman into doing something the woman doesn't feel comfortable doing... confusing the word "submission" with the word "homemaker"... The list can go on and on of how Satan confuses us in our relationships, causing something meant for good to seem evil. It seems to me the idea of submission as used in the New Testament simply means willingly following the lead of another person. Specifically, men following the lead of Christ and women following the lead of their husbands. Because of the Fall this is not easy, but it can still happen. I see it in my parents: a strong willed, independent woman married to a wise, gentle, quiet man. My mother's dreams, goals, desires, and attitudes are never crushed or controlled by my father. But, it is clear to their children who the leader of the family is. My father has been able to step up to the plate in our family, the community, and the church with my mother leading the way in honoring, respecting, and following his lead.
ReplyDeleteWould it be peculiar to be submissive? Probably not... we submit to a whole lot of things in our culture. I think it would be peculiar to confidently embrace the word submission, especially toward our husbands.
Lindsay, Kent and I got a kick out of Sandra Millholland completely avoiding to write the word "submission" on the board this weekend. She was definitely skirting this issue. ;)
ReplyDeleteI shared this in a Wednesday night Bible class that Steve taught on 1 Peter at the beginning of the year: I had a hard time with the word "submission" until it was explained to me in the following way. Another word for submission is "to yield" and I was asked to think of when I yield to a car on the road. I don't yield because the other car is better, bigger, or more important than mine. I yield because a) it is the law and b) it is safe. In the same way I yield to my husband because God asks me to and because it makes my home a safe place for my husband to be the leader God wants him to be and for my family to feel secure. To women who are married to a man who is not being the husband God requires him to be (and I've been there), I think it is important to state that our identity is first and foremost a daughter of God (not a wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc) and as a child of God we should never submit to sin. If a husband is using this verse to try to force his wife to excuse, ignore, or even participate in his sin, that is a misinterpretation.
ReplyDeleteAs far as what submission looks like in the 21st century; I'm not sure. Even when we have "big" decisions to make, William seeks and values my input. I asked him for examples of times that he felt like I was submitting to him and for ways that he wished I would submit and he said "he'd get back to me".
And this may be off the topic a little, but since God often compares His relationship with His people to a marriage, I have been thinking about where I am struggling to submit to God. I'm kind of scared to ask Him to show me!
I loved reading your well written comment, Lindsay! Submission can be very confusing. One definition of submission is the act of referring something for another's consideration. That is the role I strive to adhere to at this point in our marriage. However, when I became a Christian 35 years ago submissiveness was presented to me as that of surrendering oneself to another. Marriage roles were clearly defined as the man being the head of the household and the woman (as the weaker vessel) catering to his every need. That was the extreme, but almost expected (or so I felt).
ReplyDeleteHowever, should we always submit ourselves to another human being without any respect of our opinions? Long suffering, enduring, and surrender were words used to define the woman's role for many of us in the church.
I enjoyed Amber's story of her mother knowing when she had to respect her own opinion and do what she felt was right. Another definition of submission is to offer an opinion. To have an opinion that is valued by another (as a spouse) can result in more of a marriage of respect and love. Today, I would use words such as: loving, supportive, and respectful to describe the role of a Godly wife.
As implied in "Anonymous" comment a couple that is serving God will definitely grow in maturity and wisdom. May we submit our lives to Jesus in service with one another, respecting one another, and loving one another.
Thank you ladies and Stephen for your thoughts. As I read them, here are a few things that came to mind.
ReplyDelete1. Amber, I am glad that you did not tell us the other name that your father wanted to call you because I would be tempted to call you that ever so often.
2. I agree with Lindsay that there is a difference between submission and oppression and often those two ideas have been viewed synonymously. I had a conversation with a woman awhile back and the word "submission" literally made her shudder and it was because she associated it with oppression. Paul makes it clear, submission is always voluntary, not forced.
3. As a husband, when I hear women describe submission in the way that you all do, it challenges me to be a better leader and lover of my family. When I know my wife and children are looking to me, I feel a greater sense of responsibility to lead (as opposed to the situation if a wife is being disrespectful and nonsubmissive to her husband).
Thanks guys.
We have witnessed an entire generation afraid to use the word submission as in the Bible. That is probably the reason for so many of our marital problems today. I'm glad we are starting to embrace this concept. After all, God knows what is best for us!
ReplyDeleteBeing submissive doesn't mean that we become weak! By allowing God to work through us to spiritually influence our husbands in gentle, supportive ways we become very strong!
There is a little book called Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl that makes for interesting reading.
Like you said, it is different in every marriage. When I was very young – seven or eight years old – I heard a sermon that I thought was very wrong until I grew up and was married for a few years.
ReplyDeleteThe preacher said that there was a very faithful woman who loved the Lord very much. Her husband was not a Christian and so a constant struggle went on in their home about the amount of time she spent in church activities and the amount of time he spent going to sports events. Every Sunday, the husband would ask her to attend a sporting event with him and she would ask him to come to worship with her. So, the conflict would continue for another week.
One Sunday the woman heard a sermon on wives submission to their husbands. The preacher said that the scripture did not make an exception for wives of non-Christians. The wife thought and prayed all week about what the preacher had said.
The next Sunday morning when the husband asked her to go to the sporting event with him, she said that she would like to go with him and that she had a picnic basket packed and ready to go. As you can imagine, he nearly fell over. They spent the day together and had a wonderful time.
The next Sunday morning the husband got up and announced that he would be attending worship with his wife. Before long the husband became a Christian. The husband told his wife that he knew how important the Lord and His church were to her. He said that when she submitted to him and went to the sporting event, it took all of the resentment and jealousy that he had harbored against her and the church away. He said he no longer had a point to prove, or a fight to win.
As a child I thought it was terrible that the woman chose to go to the sporting event rather than to worship. After I had been married a few years, I understood how not submitting to your husband and letting something become a power struggle between the two of you could ruin the sweet union that God intended couples to enjoy. I have remembered the true story of the couple from the sermon many times over the years. No struggle Dan and I ever faced seemed very large when I remember what the woman in the story sacrificed to show her submission to her husband.
God does know how we tick and what makes the clock run smoothly. After all, he made us. – Cindy Maloney